Maybe it’s Animals
If speaking with humans means me being tired and sick…
Days I Feel I Don’t Have Anything To Offer
July 25, 2022
On Days That I Don’t Feel I Have Anything To Offer
… I just have that feeling. I just keep going into and onto whatever else is showing up for me to keep going onto and into. It’s not some special trick to get to some special state of awareness or energy that suddenly lifts me out of it. It’s just what I do.
It’s true that at some point in the day I do feel differently and that at several points during the day I experience something else, something other than feeling I have nothing to offer — like when I was making the bed with my husband and he made me laugh, and when we were hanging out in the backyard enjoying the winter sun watching the cats be fooligans. But I don’t do those things to make myself feel better. I’m not reaching for something else when I move into those spaces and be in those scenes. Instead, I’m sitting in how I am and noticing how it wants me to be, allowing how I am to guide my very mode of existence. I’m always just following its lead like a leaf in the breeze.
That’s not a very acceptable mode of being – living like a leaf in the breeze – either with spiritual leaders or people with mystical understanding. At least not with the people I have encountered so far. They tend to react with aghast to my expressing the fact that that’s how I operate, telling me in no uncertain terms that I can’t simply roam about letting the now dictate where and who and how I should be. I need to have a goal, to be self-directed in some way and for whatever reason, I don’t argue with them. Engaging with that level of conversation has never felt like what I’m meant to do.
I’m more inclined to close up, to take to my own corner to sort through that on my own and to leave interaction for following their lead down the rabbit hole of whatever is coming up between us. That’s easier. It’s easier than trying to think on my feet and come up with all the reasons that make sense to them about why I do what I do. It’s easier, certainly, than blundering about in conflict with their way of being or worse still being compliant.
Living out loud is great once I know what I think and who I am and I don’t have any qualms with that but otherwise, it’s best to be silent, to go my own way and not raise too much fuss. That way I can slip under the radar and I don’t have to deal with two worlds; one of uncertainty and one of not-knowing. The second of which I can deal with just fine as long as nobody hassles me in the first. If I have to fend off discord in the first, in the world of other people’s way of being looking down on me, then the whole thing collapses into a bloody mess. If I can avoid raising any flags then I can manoeuvre about in the world of not-knowing through thick and thin totally invisible and completely unnoticed. That’s where I’d like to stay; out of sight. Of course, that’s not what happens.
Inevitably, I am drawn into the drama of everyday life where money and egos live. I have to fend for my way of being and that of my family. Our unconventionality. Our lack of social mores. Our energetic sufficiency. Our acceptance and integration of what’s new and now.
Just to be clear, I am aware there is only one world; the world of already now. My experience of getting hassled is part of that. I am being looked down upon as part of that. Money is included. Mediation between the conscious and unconscious is an aspect of the one world. The two worlds are being expressed by people in interaction — real estate agents, at job interviews, over the Internet, with family, on the street, in neighbourly conversation. I’m raising flags in their feedback and watching life collapse into a bloody mess through their assumptions. That’s not how I’m seeing it in the moment. It’s what I’m being told is happening by actual people in my life.
It’s also the story being told about me. It’s just not the story I’m telling. The story I’m telling has nothing to do with other people. Not even the ones who believe what I believe. It’s not about consensus. It’s not about convincing anyone of my worth or of my truth, especially my version of the truth of what’s really going on. Instead, it has another agenda in mind. I have no idea what that is. Most of the time I’m following blindly whatever instructions I’m being given and completely trusting those to go where they need to go. However it pans out, I’m all in. Always have been. Even on days when I feel like I have nothing to offer. Even then I’m just following the instructions and doing what I’m told. Even then.
