Maybe it’s Animals
If speaking with humans means me being tired and sick…
I have no idea what I’m doing
April 19, 2022
I sit at my desk in the wee hours and wonder if I should get out a big sheet of paper to organise out on the page all the disparate parts of my plan. I wonder if I need to figure out in some concrete predictable way how to fit together the domain names – so many domain names – and content – pages and pages in notebook after notebook both virtual and actual – and who knows what else, into some predetermined business goal centred project. Until I remember who I am – the crazy, living on the edge lady. Then I give up wondering if I’m being asked to live like anybody else and I go back to the art of role.
The art of role is the art of not having a specific thing to do; that is, not having an all-the-time goal or doing that determines my fate and gives me a sense of purpose. Instead, I have the moment. It gives me my role. It tells me my purpose. That’s why I say, I have no idea what I’m doing.
There’s no bigger plan for me to follow and bring about change around. No goals to set or wants to achieve that give my life actions a purpose and meaning. Beyond the now and all that encompasses, I have no direction whatsoever and that’s kind of scary sometimes; especially when I’m standing close to the edge between life and death (of the human kind) but I feel no pull to stay. I also feel no pull to go, although it’s awful tempting sometimes to just let it all go and be rid of this effortful plane; which is not the same as actually going, it’s more like wanting to melt into air.
Each day, I end up doing and being, somewhere and something, just not in the way that people understand. And certainly not in a way I can explain to anyone or build a business around. Sigh.
Which is not the goal so I’m not all that worried and yet I keep coming back to that point as if I’m being led to explore it more deeply… for other people? No, that doesn’t seem right. For conversation with other people, maybe? I don’t know. I can’t say. I just keep doing what I’m told and following my instructions and there I am, in the middle of it, being me, with no idea what I’m doing.
Tags: not-knowing
