By Melanie Kim Brockwell in My Daily Journal

No, I’m gonna start here.

20 May 2026

…where I am, right now — in this shitty little falling-apart house (that we won’t ever get kicked out of, so that’s good), with no real money to speak of, and all the love in the world. That’s what I’m gonna do.

Running my business, offering my services — my wisdom, my time (what little I can, in-between bouts of agony) — and being out there in the world (but not of the world) as a deva avatar… that’s another thing that came in of late — how being a deva avatar is what I’m meant to be putting myself out there as, even though I don’t fully understand what it means or how to talk about it or what it offers, tangibly. That being something isn’t about productivity or content or spirituality or being able to click a button to buy what I’m selling. It’s bigger. It’s more than. And I’m doing it already so I’m going to start now, here, where I am.

I’m not going to wait — for better circumstances, with better options and more of everything else.

I’m also not going to hold off on the things that I love simply b/c we can’t afford it. We may never be able to afford it, and there’s so much yet to be done — for the cats, for Cam, for me, for the wildness that call us home — so I won’t waste time wondering or worrying about that.

Yes, I’m *sick (and that’s still a bitch — daily, grinding, whore of a kali-motherlicking reality circumstance) but I’m also wise and rich-full with wisdom beneath my bones, within my cells-spiritual, so who cares! It’s just another parameter. Another particular peculiarity of my time here. And oh what a time it is, riding the elephant’s gaze.

Just yesterday, I wondered why the Universe hadn’t taken me yet. It seemed odd — that I would still be here, on this planet, in this body. Then, I heard someone say, “I guess god isn’t done punishing you yet,” and Ram Dass joined in the conversation just to let me know how it’s all consciousness before I remembered telling someone else, all those years ago, how we humans are the only critters with choice, while all the other entities are bound(ed) by their function — that even angels celebrate humanities ability to choose. And I’m back to allowing.